Archive for sleep

and watch your life slide out of view…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i’m bogged down in the swap of depression
again.

i don’t why it always creeps back. i do the work, i make progress. i start to think i am moving forward and then before i know it i am entrenched in this misery.

life becomes too much. every single task is overwhelming.
Washing, dressing, opening the post, doing the dishes. all impossible.

i can’t even begin to tackle this cluster of simple, mundane jobs. i feel worthless. i am ashamed to admit my paralysis. i can’t ask for help because i can’t bear for anyone to know.

each inconsequential decision becomes a mammoth undertaking. i can debate with myself for hours about whether to sit in the living room or my bedroom. i’m crippled by the fear of getting it wrong, of making it worse.

and the sorrow. the stagnating sadness, which i can’t drag myself out of.

the voice in my head constantly berating me. it tells me what a failure i am. it demands that i cut. screams orders to rip myself apart.

i can’t stand it.

i drug myself with handfuls of pills. opiates to blur reality, sedatives to shut me down. anything to escape the drone in my head.
But
there is no escape. there is always another day. the blood will never flow unchallenged.
it’s never enough.
so,i wait.
for the voice to get quieter
my mood to become unstuck
and
i pray
there won’t be a next time.

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in the wee small hours of the morning……

Posted in depression, insomnia, self harm with tags , , , , , , on 18/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i have that terrible sensation in my stomach & chest.

it’s a sort of fizzing.

it means the thought of hurting myself has travelled from my mind

& taken root right in the centre of me.

i haven’t fully decided,

but it is unlikely that i will be able to resist its pull.

if i were sleeping,

this would not happen.

night time

is a dangerous time

i can occupy myself all day

even with the stupidest of tasks

i have appointments,

housework,

tv & books.

i can text or chat to friends.

i can go for a walk

visit my niece.

the world is awake

i’m just one more ordinary person

not so at night

normality ceases

my insomnia is just another symptom of crazy

i’m tired

i become less able to cope with my emotions.

i have no one to turn to.

nothing i do through the night seems “normal”

people don’t hoover at 1am.

i shouldn’t be eating, it’s the worst time to eat.

any form of distraction fails because it so obviously a distraction

i can’t relax

i can’t fool myself

i know what i am trying not to contemplate

which makes the thoughts even more powerful.

it’s often around this time that my mood starts to plummet

i feel scared

& the battle commences in my head.

sleep would conquer this

insomnia is an especially cruel part of depression.

it removes any hope of respite.

there is no escaping my head.

 

oh, how i wish i could sleep.