Archive for spray

what’s your number ?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 27/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

another thought provoking therapy session.
I did the voicing thoughts
I am ashamed of thing.
again

whilst telling psychologist about
my last misadventure into self harm
he flinched.

he said the idea of blood spraying on my face was like a scene from a
horror
film

this struck me as over dramatic
&
i said so.

he ventured that if he did a straw poll of the building
most people would be pretty horrified
and
very concerned.

which led to a discussion about my
perception of my self harm

this is often a problem.
i do not think my cutting is
anywhere
near
as bad as others portray it to be

i have seen more severe self injury
much, much
worse.
i know that my own attempts at self destruction
are by no means
extreme

other people’s perception
frustrate me
i feel I am getting credit I do not deserve
(i know there is no merit in self harm, but my mind does not)
it pushes me to go further
and
it feels disrespectful to those who subject themselves to more serious abuse.

my idea of normal is corrupted
i know that
but
i cannot accept that my cutting warrants the concern it garners

my therapist & I talked about how I rated what I do to myself
he suggested we consider it on a scale of 1-100
i put myself around 30.
he did not agree with my assessment

his number uncovered a somewhat bizarre reaction
i was mostly embarrassed.
i have felt this way before
but
never verbalised it

now,
I am left wondering why I feel this way
&
whether or not I can trust his opinion.

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hey baby, can you bleed like me ? ……..

Posted in depression, insomnia, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 25/08/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i have a white screen

 

a flashing cursor

 

and

 

no words.

 

 

my mind is blank

 

bar

 

thoughts of a red intervention.

 

 

i have 16 chalky aspirin

 

and

 

a tall, clear glass of water.

 

 

i intend to refresh my weary head

 

with

 

sprays & pulses of dark,dark blood.

 

 

i must bathe my fears

 

in

 

a warm crimson tide.

 

 

when my troubles are let

 

i shall swallow a pretty blue pill

 

and

 

drift into untroubled sleep.