Archive for stares

everybody’s free to feel good…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 18/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

we’re having a little bit of a heat wave.
it’s nice to have a burst of sunshine
but
as every self-harmer knows
warm weather is not our friend

so, I’ve been dealing with the tired dilemma
hide & boil
or
uncover & face the inevitable judgement

i don’t always cover all my scars.
i began to dress more freely a few years ago
and
for the most part I am very pleased with that decision
sure, there are times when I take fright & reach for that cardigan
there are also people I don’t feel comfortable around with visible scars.
it’s a mixed bag.

anyway, with temperatures soaring
my usual semi cover ups began to feel oppressive
the thought of going out bare armed & bare legged hovered
but
scared me

finally the heat
and the constant enquiries with regards to my wardrobe won me over
i would be brave
i could do this

last Saturday I went out wearing a maxi skirt with a split & a vest
i spent a lot of time looking in the mirror before I left the house
i wanted to really see me
i am so used to my scars that I often don’t really acknowledge them
i needed to know exactly what others would be looking at.
after much procrastination & with large sunglasses for protection,
stepped outside.

i was prepared for stares
and they came
every second person I passed,
did a double take
i felt exposed
and
free

I
i didn’t stay out long
it was difficult
it was worth it to be out in the world as me
no lies
no shame
just me.

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everybody’s talking at me…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 15/04/2013 by doyourememberthattime

this morning i got on a bus.
i paid my fare
smiled politely at the other passengers
sat down quietly.

i wasn’t in anyone’s way
i wasn’t rude
or
loud
i was just minding my own business, getting to where i needed to be.

apparantly,
my mere person was offensive.
my exposed arms
somehow enough to warrant censure.

a complete stranger took issue with my scars.

i was aware of her noticing & staring at my arms,
i’ve grown used to this sort of behaviour
& tried to dismiss her rudeness.
but
the stares became glares
and
she was visibly annoyed.
i felt uncomfortable, but was able to zone her out.

alas, she felt compelled to express her judgement
as i walked past her to leave the bus,
she hissed that i should be ashamed of myself.

i reacted by asking her if she was ashamed of being a cunt.

this is how i usually respond to such comments.
i make an angry, sometimes comic retort
&
quickly get on my way

i don’t want these people to know how much they hurt me
or
how the shake my confidence.

most of all,
i never want them to be aware
of just how ashamed i am

i’ll never know why my personal struggle anger others
or
why strangers believe that my body is their business.
i do know that shame is a common theme. they want me to cowed
&
hiding
&
sorry.

i hope one day i will be unconcerned by these encounters
today is not that day
i came home & stayed home.
i doubt i’ll go out tomorrow either.

because shame & guilt are what make my world go around.
i don’t need the negative reinforcement.