Archive for the beatles

with love from me to you – a little advice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I have had some search terms that have compelled to write another little advice type post. Hopefully this post will help someone feel a little better.
I self-harmed because I felt fat.
I am not sure if readers of this bog are aware, but I am a plus sized woman. I‘ll be honest I struggle with body positivity. We live in a world where thin is worshipped. We are constantly told there is only one kind of beauty. That is categorically wrong. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Fat does not equal ugly. I understand that this can be hard to believe. I have found a lot of support and inspiration from the fat acceptance movement. I would recommend that you check this out. It’s a loving & affirming community. I also love ‘fatshion’ blogs, big beautiful woman rocking gorgeous clothes. Searching for fat acceptance on tumblr & pinterest is a good entry into the fat pride world. Below are also a couple of links to my favourite fatshion blogs, both have a feminist slant & will make you feel good.
http://www.archedeyebrow.com
http://www.nearsightedowl.com

I feel so ugly & embarrassed about my self harm scars
Your scars are not ugly. I’m sure those words seem empty to you, but they are true. Scars show so many things, that you’ve survived, that you’ve had to fight, your vulnerability & strength; you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it is scary to face other people’s judgement, but you are stronger than them. No one is perfect. We all have flaws. Try to surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. If that is a struggle in real life, you can find communities online to provide support & help you educate friends & family members. Twitter is an excellent resource for finding people experiencing and advocating for mental illness. I am happy to help any of my readers, please feel free to get in contact & I will do what I can.

Self-harm scars forever alone
Dating and relationships can be scary when you have self-harm scars. It’s very difficult to know when to reveal that you have struggled with self-harm or mental illness in general. You are never guaranteed a positive reaction, it can feel hopeless. However, I can tell you from my own experience that this is not the case. I have had both long & short term relationships during the 14yrs I have been self-harming. I have slept with women & men mostly with little conversation about my scars. Of course mental illness can cause problems in a relationship. It can be very difficult for a loved one to know that you are hurting yourself, but it is possible to overcome these issues. I can honestly say that I have never been rejected because of my scars (which are extensive). You can & will find love.

I’ll finish with some general advice for all my readers.
If you are struggling with self-harm, please seek help. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to & tell them you need help. As terrifying as it sounds, your gp is a great first step. The sooner you seek help, the better. Self-harm spirals out of control very quickly. Please, please, please do not try to do this alone. You need and deserve help. Trust me; you will be glad you reached out. Do not hesitate to contact me if you feel I could help you do this.

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can’t run around, ’cause i’m not free….

Posted in depression, mental health, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , on 02/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

increasingly

 i find myself thinking about hospital

 i am terrified of being hospitalised

 i have always felt

that

 if i had to go inpatient

i would have lost 

 

lost the battle

 lost control

lost myself

 

 i do not think i could cope with the reality of a psychiatric ward

 

the practicalities of it

 horrify me

 shared toilets & showers

 sleeping on a ward

 hospital food

 dealing with others all day everyday

 

 but,

 i have coped with those privations

 i’ve had to spend lots of time on medical wards

 i hated it

 i also, survived it.

 

 the emotional impact of a psych admition 

would extract a higher toll

 the concept of not being in

 control

 of my own life

 is too much for me to bare.

 

 the idea that i am entirely incapable

 of functioning

 would destroy me.

 

 i couldn’t deal with being watched

 and evaluated

 submitting to be told

 what i can do

 & when

 would break me

 

 if i had to relinquish that authority

 i.m not sure that i could recover

 

and yet

 i can’t get away from

thoughts of

“the bin”

 

i realise that i take risks

that a stable person would not

 i know that i have impulses 

not conducive to a healthy life

 

does that amount to an

 inability

 to govern myself ?

 

at times i wonder how i have managed to avoid hospital

 i look around me & see people having the option to refuse withdrawn

 individuals that i don’t necessarily consider to be sicker than myself

 sometimes

 even

 those who appear to be much less of a danger to themselves.

 

what is the criteria ?

perhaps i am not that close to the edge

 

 no matter the fear stays with me

 &

 i feel its malevolent presence

golden slumbers fill your eyes….

Posted in family, hope, love with tags , , , , , , , on 28/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

lying in bed beside her tired little body,

 

her wee hand grasping the locket around my neck

 

i feel calm.

 

looking into her eyes as she watches me sing

 

her beautiful eyes heavy with sleep,

 

slowly closing

 

drifting off to sleep to the sound of the beatles,

 

i am happy.

 

i know she feels safe

 

i have a purpose.

 

to love her

 

and

 

i do

 

i feel it.

 

it’s an actual physical warmth.

 

the emptiness is gone

 

she fills me up.

 

the lyrics i sing are true,

 

smiles do awake her when she rises,

 

she needn’t worry

 

or cry

 

she is surrounded with love.

 

i am proud of her attachment to me

 

the knowledge that i can comfort her

 

gives me hope.

 

knowing that i can soothe her

 

is my ultimate achievement.

 

this wonderful little person

 

loves me

relies on me

 

wants me.

 

there is no greater feeling.

 

i could wrap my whole life around her

 

and

 

be

 

happy.