Archive for therapy

what a difference a year makes…

Posted in love, mental illness, relationships, romance, therapy, trust with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/06/2014 by doyourememberthattime

last year I met a nice man.
he was attentive, intelligent, funny & well read.
i found him attractive.
perfect, I hear you say.

no

i rejected him in favour or rather difficult man i met around the same time.
the man I picked was selfish & uncompromising.
even in bed.
it did not last.

I
i’ve talked about this with various people.
my therapist, my best friends, my mum & sister
all of whom, agreed that i had a bit of habit of selecting inappropriate men.
i did not disagree.

what I needed to know was why?
further discussion & some introspection brought the answers to the surface.

that nice man was too nice.
i was suspicious of his apparent loveliness,
i didn’t believe that it was real.
surely, his best behaviour would dissipate
&
i’d be left disappointed.
more worryingly, i was not convinced that i deserved this nice man.
i have never been with someone who gives me what i need.
there is always a catch,
a perpetual shortfall.
the idea that i had met someone i could relax & possibly be happy with frightened me
it’s hard for me to think i am entitled to that sort of contentment.

i’m not worthy
and
he was bound to discover that fairly quickly.
how long before my craziness, disability & general not good enoughness was uncovered?
how long before i was rejected?

so, you see,
liking this nice man was just too risky.
it could only end badly.

he could be a fraud
&
i would be disappointed.

he could recognise what a sub-standard person i was
&
i would be rejected.

either way it was too dangerous.
getting close to man who may actually be possible of meeting my desires was too threatening.
it was easier to choose men who never could.
relationships with built in obsolescence could not hurt me.
i always knew it would end
& therefore never become emotionally attached.
i’m sure you can see the problem with that.

Earlier this year, he got in touch.

just to say hi.
we talked for a few weeks.
i remembered how enjoyable conversing with him was.
we decided to meet
&
this time, I am allowing myself to hope that maybe I do deserve this.
perhaps happiness is within my reach.

it’s very early days.
we’re enjoying each other’s company.
who knows what may happen.
the important thing is I am open to the possibilities.

the times they are a changin’ …..

Posted in mental health, recovery, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 31/01/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written since i returned home.
mainly because it’s been tricky to clearly define my thoughts & feelings.

i am endeavouring to hang into the lightness i felt in australia.
it’s a struggle.
i have mostly been just keeping my head above water.
And
putting on an impressive show.
i believe I mimic OK rather well.
i suppose i am adopting the ‘ fake it ’til you make it ‘ strategy.

i knew australia couldn’t be an overnight cure.
it has however been a positive force.
i have hope now.
i know happiness is possible.
i am certain a woman i like & respect still exists.

it’s a matter of fighting for her.

i intend to fight.

so, it’s the one day at a time cliche.
exploring new options
and
taking small leaps.

it is terrifying.

I still have EMDR on pause. i’ve discussed it with my psychologist & we agreed not to rip the lid from that box yet.
it will have to happen.
delving into those memories again is an alarming notion.
i remain convinced it is the best route to long term recovery.

whatever recovery means.

i am yet to decipher what recovery consists of.
those around me seem to consider not cutting to fit the definition,
i know that is not the case.

the battle continues in my head.
i hanker for blood,
itch to create mayhem.
i’m still not convinced the urge will ever leave me.
that i don’t deserve punnishment is becoming more feasible.
perhaps I can forgive myself.

recovery is an unrelenting war fought on multiple fronts.

i have to forge a new identity without self harm.

i hope i’m ready.

that i would be good….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i am fat.
that’s a fact not an insult.

for many years I have been a comfort eater.
as you can imagine, depression isn’t helpful with this problem.
in my bleakest times I also lose the motivation to prepare proper meals.
i exist on whatever food stuffs require the least effort.
it’s a vicious circle.
i feel awful, i eat terribly, the weight gain gives me further reason to berate myself, and i feel worse.

the truth is I hate my body
i try very hard to accept the body I have
and
love myself
but
i have never really been able to
sadly, I tend towards hating myself inside & out.

I am ashamed of my body
i’m not sure that many people would know that I feel that way
i project a like it or lump it attitude,
i would dearly love to feel.

i fully support the fat pride movement
i don’t judge other people’s bodies in the way that I do my own.
there is a familiar disconnect when self-compassion is required.

i don’t know if my lack of self-love is part of my depression
my therapist has often told me that my inner critic is overly developed.
i consider my fatness a failure
but
as a feminist I feel my belief in that notion is a bigger failure
i attack myself on all fronts.

i have successfully lost lots of weight in the past
unfortunately the only way I have manage to do this is by practically starving myself
hence, it is never sustainable
perhaps I am meant to be fat?
I find that idea a little frightening.

the problem is, i genuinely feel better about myself when I am slimmer
not thin
i’ve never wanted to be skinny
i like curves
i enjoy being a big woman
just not this big.

i’m not entirely sure where my loathing originates
obviously I live in a world that perpetuates the myth that only thin is beautiful
but
personally, I have not found my everyday relationships have been affected by my weight
i have never had difficulty making friends
nor have I been lacking in romantic or sexual attention.
why then do I find myself body so repulsive?
others clearly don’t.

i have been immersing myself in the fat pride movement
my hope is that seeing other fat bodies in a positive light will allow me to view my own body more lovingly.
i suspect that i would be a happier person if i could accept myself
it would be a step towards seeing that i am enough.

One day i would like to be able to say
i am good, just as i am.

no distance left to run…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

as i have previously discussed, i have been undergoing emdr therapy.
there have been small breakthroughs; i am beginning to aim my anger in appropriate directions,
i am now able to acknowledge that anger & my right to it.
i’ve also begun to accept the magnitude of that awful experience.
sadly, i am yet to shed the certainty that i am to blame.

i continue to self-flagellate
i fear the day that i do not.

along with these positive steps, the side effects have also progressed
the flashbacks have lessened. they now present as intrusive thoughts. treadmills of memories that i cannot get off.
the urge to cut is ever present.
i am powerless without the outlet.
i have no way to jolt myself out of these episodes.

sleep is elusive. the nightmares continue when i do find it.
there are also haunting dreams of what could have been.
the images of what i have missed are painful.
the guilt is fresh again.
the need to atone is powerful
i must hurt myself
pain is essential.

my final torture is the cruelest
body memories
i feel pregnant.
i am experiencing many of the symptoms i felt when pregnant.
combinations of symptoms that i haven’t felt since i carried a life within me
sensations so powerful that i started to believe i was expecting.
began to hope
i took a test, three tests, actually
there won’t be any baby
but
the symptoms continue
torture is not an exaggeration
it’s excruciating
a constant reminder of what i have lost
what i want
what i can’t have

the therapy continues
my psychologist has devised a new approach
i am going to have a weeks’ worth of intensive sessions
his thoughts being that the distress i experience between sessions is counter productive
i think, basically, he is afraid i will do something extreme
he may be right
so, we are attempting to complete the therapy in this block of sessions.
i am terrified
i honestly do not know if i can do it
i want to try.

what the hell am i doing here ?…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 31/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

therapy was another cry fest.
i have been struggling recently
and
as soon as I sat down in that room, it all came tumbling out

i am so frustrated with my current situation
my slide back into deep depression is soul destroying
and
incomprehensible.
why am I back here when I was making such progress?

nothing has changed.
all the recovery boxes were getting ticked
until it all started to fall apart again.

it’s such a cruel illness
there is no explanation for the sudden blackness crowding my head
i am trying so hard to fight it
but
every tiny little step is exhaustingly hard
it’s so difficult to believe I will ever emerge from the darkness

my psychologist believes that part of my problem is my inability to give myself credit
i do not feel that I should be congratulated for washing & dressing
having tea with a friend does not strike me as deserving of applause.
i struggle to connect with my compassionate mind.

i am critical
i consider myself pathetic for all the things I cannot do

guilt is another struggle
i don’t believe that I am allowed to have happy moments
it seems to me that if I can feel good for a short period of time,
i should be able to make myself ok
all of the time.

the only thing I see worth in
is my voluntary work
i have been donating some time to a children’s & youth initiative
engaging in an activity that is not about me feels good
however, my decline has interfered with this
overcoming me fear & anxiety to even manage the journey has become increasingly difficult
the pressure of Interacting with the other group leaders crushes me
hence, I am able to attend less
and
i am robbed of the one thing that allows me to consider myself a worthwhile member of society.

the battle goes on
i am cutting, but much less frequently
i feel i still have a modicum of control.
forcing myself to see friends & family continues to be a focus,
engaging in voluntary work has become a priority,
i have also begun a new anxiety med until I can see my psychiatrist.

i refuse to give in
with increasing frequency,
i want to.

you win again….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on 27/01/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t really wanted to write,
i feel a failed a little bit.

i thought i was doing well
until
it crept back in
stronger,
darker.

alan & i broke up
that wasn’t the cause
i wasn’t in love with him
he didn’t break my heart

i was having fun
which must have helped
it’s easier to forge ahead
when there is something to push towards.
&
the sex, of course
i always feel better when i’m having good sex.

the repetiton of the ending
hurts.
no fault
no awful deeds
we just don’t want the same things.

i’ve heard that line before.

now, we’re being friends
another ex to add to my collection
i imagine, every man i ever go out with claiming a deep desiere to be friends,
is some sort of compliment,
but
it stings.

he’s not the reason for my dip.
i had a sad day or two
and
then i was ready to move on.

the blackness had other ideas.
i’m fighting so hard
following all the rules
keep busy
don’t isolate
don’t blame myself
don’t feel guilty
don’t cry
don’t cry

i’m a model patient
i’m taking a fucking dance class.
i’m dating
i’m not cutting

my head remains unaltered
i wake up feeling the dread of another day
and
i struggle
every day
all day
not to hurt myself
or drug my self unconscious
just waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed again.

distractions don’t work
cutting works
i know the elation i’d feel
if i could only dig a blade into my skin
but
then i’ve really failed.

so, i continue with this new life
voluntary work
and
dance classes
and
drinks
and
big fake smiles
and
hope, hope, hope
the light returns.

searching for answers

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 06/06/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i get a lot of similar sesarch terms on this blog. often they seem to be people looking for answers. i have tried to provide some. hope they help some of you.

what can my psychiatrist do if she sees my scars ?
i think you’re asking this question as you are scared she will do something drastic. in my experience this will not happen. as scary as it is you hvae to be honest with her in order for her to do her job. she is likely to be concerned that you are self harming, but she is not going to have you locked up. she will be able to help you by looking at what leads you to self harm, what puporse it sevres for you & how can develop better coping mechanisms. it’s not an easy road, but infintely better than continuing to hurt yourself. i don’t know how old you are or how long you have been cutting, but i can say that the quicker you get help, the easier it is to stop. good luck.
how do people perceive scars ?
i have had so many different reactions to my scars. i used to be very scared and ashamed & always hide my scars. a few years ago i decided i would beat the shame by wearing what i wanted to. it was very hard to begin with, but has gotten easier. there are still times when i feel the need to cover up. you’re probably wondering when i will get to the point. so, here goes.
people can be cruel. lots will stare, but much fewer will actually comment. the most common question is what happened ? which i choose not to answer. you will come across some folk who will make unkind comments, but nearly as often as you imagine. lots more people will show no visible reaction or display some compassion.
try to remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. your are beautiful as you are.

my therapist pushes me to do things i don’t want to do. is this ok ?
without specific examples it’s hard to be sure. therapists do often have to suggest and encourage things that you don’t like. the fact that you are in therapy shows that you are having difficulties. sometimes a therapist has to push you out of your comfort zone. therapy often feels worse before it feels better.
having said that, if you are seriously worried or very unhappy with you therapist, you can stop seeing them. it is ok to request another therapist. you could also seek advice from gp, cpn etc.

my scars are not from drugs.
i have had people think some of my scars are from drug use and it can be very frustrating. i don’t have an answer for you, but i understand. your scars aren’t anyone else’s business. it is perfectly ok to tell them that.
can scars seep
my fully healed scars don’t seep unless i pick them. however they do sometimes develop little blisters or balls of hard tissue which can burst. scars do al lsorts of weird things. i think everyones behave differently. best advice is if you are concerened ask your gp.
why should you be proud of scars
i don’t really feel proud of my scars, but i try not to be ashamed. i suppose they are a sign that you have survived, which is something to be proud of.
i don’t want to live with scars

my scars make me want to die
this is the search that most made me want to reach out. my heart aches for you. i know scars can make you feel so many negative emotions. it is scary to let people see them. it’s is incredibly upsetting to be judged on them or deal with unkind comments. i don’t know how you got your scars, but i know you can learn to live with them. you are beautiful, scars don’t change that. nor do they change who you are. believe me, you can still be and do everything you want to. you have survived whatever caused your scarring. you are strong. you can live with your scars. i hope these words can have some impact. don’t ever give up.
can you have a blood transfusion for cutting ?
short answer, yes.
if you get to the stage of needing a transfusion things are pretty serious. i would urge you to get help ( if you aren’t already). i’m a huge hyocrite, but please be gentle with yourself. give your body a break. most of all be careful.
why does therapist asked to see si scars ?
usually so that they can assess how severe your sefl injury is. it’s their job to keep you safe and they want to see how much risk your self injury is putting you in.
you don’t have to show them. if you feel uncomfortable you can say no. it’s your body.
you use the word scars. if you are no longer self harming, there seems little reason to expose old scars. unless you want to or can see a useful reason for doing so.
can you work in mental health if you have sh scars ?
short answer, yes
i know several people who have gone into the mental health field after having their own difficulties. their scars haven’t prevented them from doing so. i do know of one person who was asked to cover their scars at work. i’m not sure of the legalities of that, but it doesn seem to be rare.