Archive for trauma

no distance left to run…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

as i have previously discussed, i have been undergoing emdr therapy.
there have been small breakthroughs; i am beginning to aim my anger in appropriate directions,
i am now able to acknowledge that anger & my right to it.
i’ve also begun to accept the magnitude of that awful experience.
sadly, i am yet to shed the certainty that i am to blame.

i continue to self-flagellate
i fear the day that i do not.

along with these positive steps, the side effects have also progressed
the flashbacks have lessened. they now present as intrusive thoughts. treadmills of memories that i cannot get off.
the urge to cut is ever present.
i am powerless without the outlet.
i have no way to jolt myself out of these episodes.

sleep is elusive. the nightmares continue when i do find it.
there are also haunting dreams of what could have been.
the images of what i have missed are painful.
the guilt is fresh again.
the need to atone is powerful
i must hurt myself
pain is essential.

my final torture is the cruelest
body memories
i feel pregnant.
i am experiencing many of the symptoms i felt when pregnant.
combinations of symptoms that i haven’t felt since i carried a life within me
sensations so powerful that i started to believe i was expecting.
began to hope
i took a test, three tests, actually
there won’t be any baby
but
the symptoms continue
torture is not an exaggeration
it’s excruciating
a constant reminder of what i have lost
what i want
what i can’t have

the therapy continues
my psychologist has devised a new approach
i am going to have a weeks’ worth of intensive sessions
his thoughts being that the distress i experience between sessions is counter productive
i think, basically, he is afraid i will do something extreme
he may be right
so, we are attempting to complete the therapy in this block of sessions.
i am terrified
i honestly do not know if i can do it
i want to try.

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i’ll stand in front of you, take the force of the blow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 02/05/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i am currently enduring EMDR.
it’s a therapy designed to reprocess thought & feelings relating to a traumatic experiences.
it basically involves repeatedly revisiting the event. focusing on specific aspects & the feelings they evoke with the desired income of making them less painful.
i was aware hard. i am forcing myself to examine a period of my life that i have been avoiding for 14 years. these memories have never been safe ground for me.
stirring up things that i have purposely supressed for my entire adult life is terrifying.
the sessions themselves are emtional and exhausting. inbetween sessions has become a type of hell.
i’ve been having nightmares. well, some of them are nightmares. others are just dreams about that period. neither are welcome. i’m scared to sleep,which only makes everything else worse.
worse than the nightmares are the flashbacks, awful memories that i get trapped in. images of the worst moments of my life. i cant explain how frightening it is to be back there.
i don’t know how to cope with either of these developments.
the urge is cut is so intense. i see graphic images in my head. i feel the need to hurt.
to be disfigured
and
damaged.
perhaps a reflection of how i view myself.
i am making a little progress. i am beginning to develop some compassion for my younger self. i am able to acknowledge that at 19 years old, i was unprepared for the series of events that occured. i feel a little less angry with the young me.
i’m yet to feel less to blame, just that maybe there were mitgating circumstances.
it’s a slow, excruciating process, but i determined to see it through.
i’m hoping that i will finally be able to deal with the trauma and move on.