Archive for treatment

no distance left to run…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 19/08/2013 by doyourememberthattime

as i have previously discussed, i have been undergoing emdr therapy.
there have been small breakthroughs; i am beginning to aim my anger in appropriate directions,
i am now able to acknowledge that anger & my right to it.
i’ve also begun to accept the magnitude of that awful experience.
sadly, i am yet to shed the certainty that i am to blame.

i continue to self-flagellate
i fear the day that i do not.

along with these positive steps, the side effects have also progressed
the flashbacks have lessened. they now present as intrusive thoughts. treadmills of memories that i cannot get off.
the urge to cut is ever present.
i am powerless without the outlet.
i have no way to jolt myself out of these episodes.

sleep is elusive. the nightmares continue when i do find it.
there are also haunting dreams of what could have been.
the images of what i have missed are painful.
the guilt is fresh again.
the need to atone is powerful
i must hurt myself
pain is essential.

my final torture is the cruelest
body memories
i feel pregnant.
i am experiencing many of the symptoms i felt when pregnant.
combinations of symptoms that i haven’t felt since i carried a life within me
sensations so powerful that i started to believe i was expecting.
began to hope
i took a test, three tests, actually
there won’t be any baby
but
the symptoms continue
torture is not an exaggeration
it’s excruciating
a constant reminder of what i have lost
what i want
what i can’t have

the therapy continues
my psychologist has devised a new approach
i am going to have a weeks’ worth of intensive sessions
his thoughts being that the distress i experience between sessions is counter productive
i think, basically, he is afraid i will do something extreme
he may be right
so, we are attempting to complete the therapy in this block of sessions.
i am terrified
i honestly do not know if i can do it
i want to try.

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what the hell am i doing here ?…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 31/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

therapy was another cry fest.
i have been struggling recently
and
as soon as I sat down in that room, it all came tumbling out

i am so frustrated with my current situation
my slide back into deep depression is soul destroying
and
incomprehensible.
why am I back here when I was making such progress?

nothing has changed.
all the recovery boxes were getting ticked
until it all started to fall apart again.

it’s such a cruel illness
there is no explanation for the sudden blackness crowding my head
i am trying so hard to fight it
but
every tiny little step is exhaustingly hard
it’s so difficult to believe I will ever emerge from the darkness

my psychologist believes that part of my problem is my inability to give myself credit
i do not feel that I should be congratulated for washing & dressing
having tea with a friend does not strike me as deserving of applause.
i struggle to connect with my compassionate mind.

i am critical
i consider myself pathetic for all the things I cannot do

guilt is another struggle
i don’t believe that I am allowed to have happy moments
it seems to me that if I can feel good for a short period of time,
i should be able to make myself ok
all of the time.

the only thing I see worth in
is my voluntary work
i have been donating some time to a children’s & youth initiative
engaging in an activity that is not about me feels good
however, my decline has interfered with this
overcoming me fear & anxiety to even manage the journey has become increasingly difficult
the pressure of Interacting with the other group leaders crushes me
hence, I am able to attend less
and
i am robbed of the one thing that allows me to consider myself a worthwhile member of society.

the battle goes on
i am cutting, but much less frequently
i feel i still have a modicum of control.
forcing myself to see friends & family continues to be a focus,
engaging in voluntary work has become a priority,
i have also begun a new anxiety med until I can see my psychiatrist.

i refuse to give in
with increasing frequency,
i want to.

thank you for you pity, you are too kind…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/07/2013 by doyourememberthattime

I had a bout of ill health last week & once again found myself lying on a gurney in A&E in considerable pain. This has become a feature of life, one that I have reluctantly come to terms with. With the exception of one thing, I cannot bring myself to accept the constant focus on my self harm. No matter what I present with or how much pain I am, there are always the questions. I am quizzed about my scars by nurses, Drs & auxiliaries alike. The same questions over and over,
Does it hurt?
Why?
How?
How long?
And with the questions come the judgements. I’m told I’m making it harder for anyone to love me, I’m ruining myself, I’m smarter than this, It’s dangerous. My body somehow becomes their property. The paw my scars. Yes, the touch me and are chagrined if I object. The scars blind them. They no longer see a patient. They see a crazy woman. Everything I say is now doubted. Despite my long and well documented medical history, Regardless of the fact I am mostly presenting due to a flare up of an already diagnosed condition, my mental health is called into question. I am asked humiliating question. Have I poisoned myself or hurt myself? How is my mood? Do I need them to call a carer?
I am no longer me. My symptoms are not simply diagnosed and treated. First they must discover if I am just crazy. All the while, I am suffering. The conversation is repeated with each new dry and nurse. Sometimes the cleaners and auxiliaries give their opinions too.
Mostly they branch into two camps. Firstly, the people who pity me. Who think I am some pathetic little girl. They pet me and treat me like a 5yr old. They offer platitudes & some frankly stupid advice. They are desperate to call someone to be responsible for me. They do a lot of touching & exclaiming. They can’t conceive that I am a strong, intelligent adult who is capable of looking after herself. So, they reduce everything I am into sad little bundle & except me to be grateful for their characterisation.
Now, we come to the haters. They think I am a waste of their time. I am stupid, self-indulgent, and stubborn. They grudge treating me, they especially dislike administering pain relief. Obviously if I have self-harmed, I must also a drug seeker. I’ve waited in A&E for hours with pancreatitis with nothing more than paracetamol because some dr objected to me having a history of mental illness. This group can’t separate the psychological from the physical. One must always be in some way linked to other. I have caused this. I am definitely to blame & they spare no time in telling me so. They believe nothing I tell them & never apologise when my records show that everything I have said is accurate. They have indiscrete & unflattering conversation about me. Meaning that other patients can now join in this judgy little game. They say ugly things & when they finally grudgingly have to offer some treatment, they make sure I know that I don’t deserve it.
Occasionally I come across someone who treats with compassion & respect. I am so utterly grateful. I shouldn’t have to be.