Archive for vein

try to comprehend that which you’ll never comprehend…..

Posted in depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 20/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i had another little crisis

despite transfusion in late december,

haemoglobin had again dropped to 7.6

causing doctor’s to get jumpy

&

start talking about another transfusion

this set me off in a panic

i do not like having blood transfusions

i feel very guilty

other people are more deserving of this blood

that someone selflessly donated

i know i will waste it

i know i will feel horrendous with it inside me

i do not want it.

i don’t really have the option of

saying

no

they will call in a psych consult

which could lead down a road

i can’t

even

think about

my first stupid reaction

is

i must cut

whilst the dr’s decide

i will blood let

i know it doesn’t make sense

to most

but

there is method in the madness

my hb is already low

i may as well be hung for sheep as a lamb

i will hate myself less for shedding my own blood

if i lose enough blood

do enough damage

i may feel sated for a while

with this in mind i set to work

after two disappointing nights

of

slicing

&

producing inadequate wounds

i got angry

with myself

on the third day,

the gp called to say the decided to go with

an iron infusionth e following week

i considered myself free

to

paint the town RED

i felt it couldn’t be that bad

if i didn’t need a transfusion

i had still better fit in as much damage

before treatment

&

truthfully

after two pitiful nights

i needed it

so,

feeling enraged with myself

i set to work

i chose a spot on my slightly less scarred right forearm

i cut vertically

downwards

towards my wrist

everytime i reached a depth i could live with

i elongated the cut

&

started to work down into it again

i got into the most dangerous mindset

where

i can just can’t resist

a little

bit

more

i ploughed through the layers of my flesh

fascinated

with what lay beneath

i watched three distinct fountains of blood

flow into one

sticky

hot

pool

i pulled the wound apart to make the blood spurt higher

i sawed through

some

tough,unknown inner material

and

thrilled

as the spray soared out

and hit my face

when i was finished

i watched

for

i don’t know how long

long enough to become dazed

i had created a a gaping trench

the entire length of my foream

that continuosly filled with blood

and

spilled over the top

i could not stop the blood

nor, could i think straight

i wrapped a towel around my arm

put a huge jumper on top

and

took the bus

yes

the bus

to a&e

i trailed blood into reception

& collapsed in the triage room

i was so ashamed

dreaded trying to explain myself

lay in a cubicle

crying

i had done this many times before

but somehow

i couldn’t control my fear or self loathing.

i received 21 stitches

a transfusion

and

 was hospitlised again for three days

the following week

requiring

another

two units

&

suffering from severe pain

i spent those 3 days in & out of a morphine

induced altered reality

student dr’s were too scared to take blood from my arms

apparently experience is required

to find a vein in this network of scar tissue

the consultant was overly kind

fellow patients

stared & whispered

i lay there in

shame

pain

fear

all of which added up to

another attempt

to stop

11 days

and counting……

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my heart is soaked in wine….

Posted in death, depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , on 08/09/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i found the perfect spot.

 

 stumbled upon it

 

i didn’t have to cut very deep

 

before

 

this first vein popped.

 

 

a little of fountain of blood appeared

 

so warm

 

&

 

comforting.

 

 

it soaked through the face cloth i had placed on top of it

 

in seconds

 

so,

 

i just let it bleed.

 

 

i stood in my hall

 

and

 

watched the blood run down my arm

 

splash onto the floor

 

 

the flow slowed

 

i had to cut again

 

just a little further

 

lay

 

another bulging vein

 

 

it put up a tad more resistance,

 

but

 

it’s intial spurt was worth the effort

 

as the blood continued to pour from my body

 

i felt calm

 

 

i watched it pool on the floor

 

i felt detached

 

it didn’t seem real

 

but

 

it was

 

 

i repeated as needed

 

i’d found a rich pocket of blood

 

and

 

i mined it

 

 

blood soaked my clothes

 

fell onto my feet

 

spattered all over the floor

 

i left blood trails

 

as

 

i moved around the house

 

 

i was dazed

 

removed from the misery

 

and

 

uncertainty i had been feeling

 

 

i was amazed at how easy it was

 

i watched in awe as the blood jet grew

 

pumped faster

 

it was the most at peace i had been in such a long time.

 

 

the simplicity of it shocked me

 

and

 

scared me a little

 

i had discovered a tap

 

i can turn it on whenever i want.

 

 

i must have passed out.

 

i came round on the hall floor

 

with blood on my face

 

in my hair

 

 

i dressed the wound,

 

which wasn’t big

 

and went to bed

 

i didn’t worry if it would cease

 

or

 

if i would be alright

 

and

 

yet

 

i do not want to die

 

 

when it comes to blood

 

i don’t know when to stop

 

i am never sated

 

 

i haven’t cleaned the hall floor

 

i’m not sure if it’s a warning to myself

 

or

 

a trophy.

 

 

i’m not sure of very much anymore.

memories seep from my veins….

Posted in self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/05/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

when i think about slicing into an arlready open wound,

i feel slighty sick.

my stomach  flutters horribly.

and yet,

when i do it,

i am calm.

watching the skin split wider,

my blade tear through another layer,

i am merely fascinated.

the deeper the shade of my blood,

the deeper the wound,

the more satisfied i become.

i can see the blue nestling in the corner of my current effort,

a vein presenting it self to me.

should i venture on ?

i don’t know how significant the vein  is.

i can’t tell for sure how much further down lies.

the body can be deceptive.

i know i would like the blood.

the fast, pulsing, unstoppable flow.

but i can’t calculate the consequences.

can i move fast enough, if action is required ,

or will i be mesmerized by rush of pure red relief ?

i know even as i contemplate it,

that cutting further is selfish.

it’s stupid.

but

i want to cleanse myself of these feelings.

i’m delaying making the decision.

i’m writing this

&

watching the blood.

the urge is getting stronger.

i can’t let myself off easily.

this is what i need.

this is who i am.