Archive for veins

blood on the rise, it’s following me….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/06/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i cut.
265 days. Void.

in the end there wasn’t any particular trigger
i had bad day
no worse than the few that went before it
a flip just switched
i started to feel like I could
like I should
and
that was that

i had been so scared of forgetting how
i thought I might get rusty without the continuous practise
i needn’t have worried
it had never been easier.

I intended to take my time,
make a small cut
dip my blade in
but
the blood flooded my senses
i was in deep before I was even properly aware of it

it felt good.

the blood under my fingernails
the little globs of yellow fat on my hands
the pulsing blue network
the pain
the calm

i expected to feel worse
i’m a little ashamed
i don’t want people to know
but
if this could be my secret
i’d happily dive back into the self-destructive depths.

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don’t go chasing waterfalls….

Posted in depression, mental health, self harm, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 24/12/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i’m on the verge of something
caught between fear
and
thrill

something happens to your body
when
you watch blood spray from your own arm
and
continue
to
cut

the obvious
your heart beats faster,
your stomach flips
but
also
things you wouldn’t expect

the mouth drys
face flushes hot
toes tingle
your entire body
feels alert

you would think it would be hard
to proceed
but
there is no difficulty.

there is an intial apprehension
a jerk of fear
before realising
that this
is
too
easy

which in turn makes you question yourself
surely a person shouldn’t be able to do this ?
to calmly slice through
skin
flesh
fat
nerves
veins

and now you realise you have made the biggest mistake,
you’ve thought about
what
you
are doing

you can not stop your mind probing further
is this dangerous ?
don’t be dramatic & get on with it
have i gone too far ?
you’ve not gone nearly far enough
what’s in here ?
find out

the ease of the task actually starts to be a concern
where will this stop,
you wonder
will this ever stop
and
do i want it to ?

what is this feeling
balled up in my chest
cheering me on
holding me back
simultanously

which is the real me
the woman, scalpel in hand, searching for another vein
or
the woman who is horrified by her own actions ?