Archive for you win again

you win again…

Posted in mental health, recovery, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 28/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I had yet another hospital appointment.
this time with an orthopaedic surgeon.
for the last year or so i have been having difficulties with my left hand & arm.
my gp thought it might be related to my b12 defiecency as i also lose feeling in my toes.
apparently that is a completely separate issue.
my problem is in fact, nerve damage.
damage caused by me.

i have a splint to wear and have injections for the next three months.
the consultant will then decide how to proceed surgically.
i’m not thrilled about having another procedure
but
there is so much more to it.

i feel so very guilty.
i am entirely responsible for this.
most of me feels i don’t deserve to have this impairment corrected.
i feel unworthy
i unnecessarily deplete resources.

worse than that,
i feel that this will never be over.
self-harm will always be with me.
whether it’s the constant desire to hurt myself
or
the ongoing consequences of what i’ve done to my body.

all those years of people telling me how dangerous my cutting was
it never felt real to me.
it’s real now.

i’m living with the damage i didn’t believe i could do
my heart
my hand
perhaps this is my punishment

i should be happy
i always wanted to castigate myself
i’ve succeeded

all i have achieved is becoming even more of a burden
now people i love have another reason to worry about me
i require further medical intervention
i am a drain.

even now, I’m whining.
i’ve done it
i need to live with it.
i could
if other people didn’t have to be involved.

i’m comfortable with pain
i still seek it out.
i am beginning to wonder why i keep fighting the urge
if the shadow of self-harm is going to hang over me forever
why not just give in to it?

the shame
and
the guilt
and
fear
are constant companions

so, maybe i let it win.
isn’t it winning anyway?

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you win again….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on 27/01/2013 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t really wanted to write,
i feel a failed a little bit.

i thought i was doing well
until
it crept back in
stronger,
darker.

alan & i broke up
that wasn’t the cause
i wasn’t in love with him
he didn’t break my heart

i was having fun
which must have helped
it’s easier to forge ahead
when there is something to push towards.
&
the sex, of course
i always feel better when i’m having good sex.

the repetiton of the ending
hurts.
no fault
no awful deeds
we just don’t want the same things.

i’ve heard that line before.

now, we’re being friends
another ex to add to my collection
i imagine, every man i ever go out with claiming a deep desiere to be friends,
is some sort of compliment,
but
it stings.

he’s not the reason for my dip.
i had a sad day or two
and
then i was ready to move on.

the blackness had other ideas.
i’m fighting so hard
following all the rules
keep busy
don’t isolate
don’t blame myself
don’t feel guilty
don’t cry
don’t cry

i’m a model patient
i’m taking a fucking dance class.
i’m dating
i’m not cutting

my head remains unaltered
i wake up feeling the dread of another day
and
i struggle
every day
all day
not to hurt myself
or drug my self unconscious
just waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed again.

distractions don’t work
cutting works
i know the elation i’d feel
if i could only dig a blade into my skin
but
then i’ve really failed.

so, i continue with this new life
voluntary work
and
dance classes
and
drinks
and
big fake smiles
and
hope, hope, hope
the light returns.