Rolling in the deep….

i have bad patches. 

days when life is dark 

days when I’m dripping in sadness 

sometimes the days are weeks 

or

months

but

there is light. glimpses of life.

i struggle. it’s exhausting. I hate it.

there is purpose, though.

i do fight it.
i have a very definite tipping point.

my serious relapses follow an identical pattern 

insomnia cloaks me in a miserable fog

panic stacks come knocking 

guilt, shame, blood 

until i’m paralysed.

every minute of every day becomes intolerable 

the outside world is terrifying 

opening my eyes each morning is overwhelming

i attempt to soothe myself with scalpels 

and

opiates

but

nothing works, nothing lasts. 
i’ve crossed that threshold 

i’m in it.

i love you just the way you are….

On the way home from Australia I got stuck in Perth for around 13hrs.

There isn’t a huge variety of shops or distractions at the airport, so time dragged.

There appeared to be a few flights delayed that night

Some folks had clearly spent their wait in the bar.

 

I grabbed a frozen coke, found a comfy sofa & settled down with a book.

I passed a couple of quiet hours like that.

I was totally absorbed in John Irving’s wonderful fictional world

And

So was unaware of events around me until I heard raised voices.

I looked up to discover three rather drunk men sat on the sofa opposite me.

They were shouting at a bar maid to bring them a drink immediately.

A young man sat beside me asked them to treat the bar maid with some respect.

This caused the drunken men to round on him.

They began mocking his appearance, before moving onto racial slurs.

I felt very uncomfortable & asked the young man if he as ok.

Obviously, that was a mistake.

Their rancour was now turned on me.

The began by attacking my figure. Apparently I am disgustingly fat.

Predictably there followed some references to my scars.

It was an unpleasant experience.

 

However, the reason I write, is because my reaction surprised me.

I told them my body was my business

And

Walked away.

This sort of thing would usually upset me.

I have spoken before about my self-esteem issues, especially in relation to my size.

That night, I felt angry that those men thought they could abuse three strangers,

But I was not wounded.

I honestly didn’t care what they thought of body.

I am fat

And

That’s ok.

 

I know I keep banging on about Australia, but it really was a revelation.

The heat out there forced me to wear more revealing clothes.

Bare legs & arms

Short dresses & vests.

I began to like what I saw in the mirror.

I received quite a few compliments down under

I was chatted up by some very attractive men

It boosted my confidence.

I felt sexy.

 

Now, I’m not saying Brisbane magically made all my body shame disappear,

But I did take some big steps in the right direction.

I am experimenting with clothes I would have been scared of before my trip

I am pleased with the results

Other people have noticed

I feel so much more positive about my body.

 

I’d still like to lose a little weight

I still feel self-conscious,

But

My figure doesn’t fill me with hate anymore

I’m learning to appreciate my shape.

 

I am edging closer to knowing that I am ok

Just the way I am.