Rolling in the deep….

i have bad patches. 

days when life is dark 

days when I’m dripping in sadness 

sometimes the days are weeks 

or

months

but

there is light. glimpses of life.

i struggle. it’s exhausting. I hate it.

there is purpose, though.

i do fight it.
i have a very definite tipping point.

my serious relapses follow an identical pattern 

insomnia cloaks me in a miserable fog

panic stacks come knocking 

guilt, shame, blood 

until i’m paralysed.

every minute of every day becomes intolerable 

the outside world is terrifying 

opening my eyes each morning is overwhelming

i attempt to soothe myself with scalpels 

and

opiates

but

nothing works, nothing lasts. 
i’ve crossed that threshold 

i’m in it.

we’ll all be lonely tonight & lonely tomorrow…

crying in the middle of the night is back.

dark rooms

dark thoughts

indiscernible tears.
i feel hollow

&

fractured.
multiple precarious cracks 

all threatening to give way

and i’m not gentle 

i can’t be trusted with my crumbling self 

i’m likely to stick my fingers in the gaps 

and

pull my roof down.
the safest option is 2am tears. 

just lie very still in a dark room

and

cry 

in the wee small hours of the morning……

i have that terrible sensation in my stomach & chest.

it’s a sort of fizzing.

it means the thought of hurting myself has travelled from my mind

& taken root right in the centre of me.

i haven’t fully decided,

but it is unlikely that i will be able to resist its pull.

if i were sleeping,

this would not happen.

night time

is a dangerous time

i can occupy myself all day

even with the stupidest of tasks

i have appointments,

housework,

tv & books.

i can text or chat to friends.

i can go for a walk

visit my niece.

the world is awake

i’m just one more ordinary person

not so at night

normality ceases

my insomnia is just another symptom of crazy

i’m tired

i become less able to cope with my emotions.

i have no one to turn to.

nothing i do through the night seems “normal”

people don’t hoover at 1am.

i shouldn’t be eating, it’s the worst time to eat.

any form of distraction fails because it so obviously a distraction

i can’t relax

i can’t fool myself

i know what i am trying not to contemplate

which makes the thoughts even more powerful.

it’s often around this time that my mood starts to plummet

i feel scared

& the battle commences in my head.

sleep would conquer this

insomnia is an especially cruel part of depression.

it removes any hope of respite.

there is no escaping my head.

 

oh, how i wish i could sleep.