Handle me with care….

I saw one of those annoying self care lists earlier. 

They irritate me because it’s beyond my comprehension that anyone believes a hot bath & some candles will stop the war in my head.

As I scrolled through the ridiculously naive advice, I realised I had my own version of self care. 

I was in fact, in the midst of a session. 

Self harm is my self care. 

It ticks all the boxes. 

It helps me feel calm 

in control

quiets my mind.
The ritual of setting up keeps me busy

Peeling back the foil to reveal a pristine blade

Arranging my towels 

Carefully selecting where I will begin

All of things offer distraction from my despair

panic 

loathing.

They provide comfort 

&

root my in the present moment. 
The bloods feels good; hot & slippery on my skin

The release gained from it flowing out it a weight lifted.

It’s so much better than crying.

That first strike that slides right into my flesh,

When I’m through the skin & my fat offers no restistance.

That wipes my thoughts clean 

It’s just me, 

my scalpel 

&

my blood. 
That’s what compassion is to me. 

It’s stainless steel disappearing into an open wound,

the instant when my cut starts to frighten me

But

I just keep going. 

it’s alright ma, i’m only bleeding…..

i slept relatively well last night

woke up early in pain

i have my period

i rarely have periods

but

i find them very hard to cope with.

i miscarried 12 years ago

just writing that is frightening

how can it be that long ?

and

yet

bad cramps

still feel like the beginnings of that awful experience

i can’t stop the memories

i bleed heavily

which

also serves

as a painful reminder

i should be able to manage this by now

but

i struggle

 

so, i got up

failed to wash

or

dress

made some dry toast

and

considered my options

i could allow the sadness to drown me

cry

& feel like dying

or

i could cut.

 

5 hours later

i am still cutting

it has been ridiculously easy today

much more so than usual

and

 it’s hard to stop

my skin is like butter

the blade just slips through

quicker

and smoother

than it should

the pain hasn’t troubled me

shiny globes of fat slip out

as i remove my blade

the blood is mesmerizing

hot tracks

flowing into already coagulating pools

tiny red fountains

rise

and fall

spraying patterns on my clothes

 

there is no feeling

like your own blood

flooding over your skin

the immense calm

it brings

is intoxicating

 

i’ve written all this before

or words to this effect

it never ends

certainly not today

i have the next stage mapped out

i must execute those plans

then, perhaps

 

i can rest