Another year over, a new one just begun….

I burnt the suicide notes I had prepared. 

Things are not great. 

Paranoia is at an all time high

But

I am going to do 2016.

That’s a start. 

life is what happens to you whilst you’re busy making other plans…..

sometimes, i’ll be in a shop and i see something she’d like
and
i forget.
just for minute, then, i remember
and i’m that crazy lady who crys in public.

every call reminds me of how much she is growing
changing
experiencing
without me

i am missing too much

so much happens everyday
in her life
and
her head

i used to know all her whims
her favourites
who cried at nursery
which toy she wanted most in the bath

the little details that make up her world

now, i’m constantly playing catch up
she talks about kids i don’t know
goes places i’ve never been.
i’m missing all the background detail.

facetime & skype make it easier
but
it’s not enough

i want to tickle her
make her cereal in the morning
see all the new things she learns
because she learns new things everyday

new words pop up in her vocabularly
her accent is changing
her hair is so long
i want to put it into bunches
and
side ponies
and
play with her curls

i want to be there from the moment she opens her eyes
until she closes them again
i want all the nonsense inbetween.

i miss my muffin.