Another year over, a new one just begun….

I burnt the suicide notes I had prepared. 

Things are not great. 

Paranoia is at an all time high

But

I am going to do 2016.

That’s a start. 

tomorrow never knows…..

 

tonight,

 

i am focused on an arc of light a torch casts on my stomach

 

as i cut through fatty tissue

 

i am painfully aware

 

that

 

it is not helping

 

i am weary

 

fed up with myself

 

i do the same stupid things

 

over

 

and

 

over

 

still i am faced with the brutal fact

 

that

 

tomorrow will be same

my heart is soaked in wine….

 

i found the perfect spot.

 

 stumbled upon it

 

i didn’t have to cut very deep

 

before

 

this first vein popped.

 

 

a little of fountain of blood appeared

 

so warm

 

&

 

comforting.

 

 

it soaked through the face cloth i had placed on top of it

 

in seconds

 

so,

 

i just let it bleed.

 

 

i stood in my hall

 

and

 

watched the blood run down my arm

 

splash onto the floor

 

 

the flow slowed

 

i had to cut again

 

just a little further

 

lay

 

another bulging vein

 

 

it put up a tad more resistance,

 

but

 

it’s intial spurt was worth the effort

 

as the blood continued to pour from my body

 

i felt calm

 

 

i watched it pool on the floor

 

i felt detached

 

it didn’t seem real

 

but

 

it was

 

 

i repeated as needed

 

i’d found a rich pocket of blood

 

and

 

i mined it

 

 

blood soaked my clothes

 

fell onto my feet

 

spattered all over the floor

 

i left blood trails

 

as

 

i moved around the house

 

 

i was dazed

 

removed from the misery

 

and

 

uncertainty i had been feeling

 

 

i was amazed at how easy it was

 

i watched in awe as the blood jet grew

 

pumped faster

 

it was the most at peace i had been in such a long time.

 

 

the simplicity of it shocked me

 

and

 

scared me a little

 

i had discovered a tap

 

i can turn it on whenever i want.

 

 

i must have passed out.

 

i came round on the hall floor

 

with blood on my face

 

in my hair

 

 

i dressed the wound,

 

which wasn’t big

 

and went to bed

 

i didn’t worry if it would cease

 

or

 

if i would be alright

 

and

 

yet

 

i do not want to die

 

 

when it comes to blood

 

i don’t know when to stop

 

i am never sated

 

 

i haven’t cleaned the hall floor

 

i’m not sure if it’s a warning to myself

 

or

 

a trophy.

 

 

i’m not sure of very much anymore.

i wish it could be blue again …..

 

i feel grey again

 

it’s not the most severe level of depression

 

but it’s the most dispiriting.

 

 

i see no point in anything.

 

i’d happily stay in bed

 

no

 

i’d miserably stay in bed.

 

i’m not speaking of a luxurious lie in

 

it’s a bleak,

 

gloomy

 

unwillingness to tackle life.

 

 

i’m scared to leave the house.

 

someone pressing my door bell sent me into panic.

 

if i drop something

 

i cry.

 

 

there is no joy.

 

i dread the things i used to take pleasure in

 

food is tasteless

 

music makes me sob

 

 

i see no end

 

no relief.

 

 

washing my hair is an achievement

 

the sun outside an annoyance

 

i’d like someone to help

 

but there isn’t anything anyone can do.

 

 

my head is seeped in grey.

 

　

 

i don’t want to die

 

i just don’t want to live this life.

poem for allan

Solid stone is just sand and water,
And a million years gone by.
 
Daily minutes are just special moments,
In the blink of an eye.
 
Precious souls
aren’t lost forever
with memories  & love
we can sustain each other.
 
Dark days are hard to suffer,
When  no one offers a why
But
Solid stone is just sand and water
And a million years gone by.

a change goin come…….

It’s been a hard year.

A very hard year.

I have barely made it through.

I’ve struggled with serious physical illness,

My ongoing depression,

Serious illness in family members,

Supporting my friend and her son through the end of an violent relationship,

My flat has been burgaled,

My brother lost his job due to the recession,

Those are just highlights (lowlights),

But

Last week something happened that has given me pause for thought.

My 28 yr old cousin died.

Suddenly

And for as yet unknown reasons.

It has been terribly sad

It has also prompted me to give thanks for all that i do have.

Shelter,food,friends,family,love,

LIFE

I hope allan is at peace.

I pray that his dad and brother will make it through this.

I am truely grateful for the opportunity each new day brings.

I sincerely hope that next year is more merciful than this.

I pledge to do everything within my power not to waste the gift i have been given.