Archive for the death Category

Another year over, a new one just begun….

Posted in chronic illness, death, depression, hope, mental health, mental illness, self destruction, self harm, suicide with tags , , , , , , , , on 29/12/2015 by doyourememberthattime

I burnt the suicide notes I had prepared. 

Things are not great. 

Paranoia is at an all time high


I am going to do 2016.

That’s a start. 

tomorrow never knows…..

Posted in death, depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , on 23/09/2011 by doyourememberthattime




i am focused on an arc of light a torch casts on my stomach


as i cut through fatty tissue


i am painfully aware




it is not helping


i am weary


fed up with myself


i do the same stupid things








still i am faced with the brutal fact




tomorrow will be same

my heart is soaked in wine….

Posted in death, depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , on 08/09/2011 by doyourememberthattime


i found the perfect spot.


 stumbled upon it


i didn’t have to cut very deep




this first vein popped.



a little of fountain of blood appeared


so warm







it soaked through the face cloth i had placed on top of it


in seconds




i just let it bleed.



i stood in my hall




watched the blood run down my arm


splash onto the floor



the flow slowed


i had to cut again


just a little further




another bulging vein



it put up a tad more resistance,




it’s intial spurt was worth the effort


as the blood continued to pour from my body


i felt calm



i watched it pool on the floor


i felt detached


it didn’t seem real




it was



i repeated as needed


i’d found a rich pocket of blood




i mined it



blood soaked my clothes


fell onto my feet


spattered all over the floor


i left blood trails




i moved around the house



i was dazed


removed from the misery




uncertainty i had been feeling



i was amazed at how easy it was


i watched in awe as the blood jet grew


pumped faster


it was the most at peace i had been in such a long time.



the simplicity of it shocked me




scared me a little


i had discovered a tap


i can turn it on whenever i want.



i must have passed out.


i came round on the hall floor


with blood on my face


in my hair



i dressed the wound,


which wasn’t big


and went to bed


i didn’t worry if it would cease




if i would be alright






i do not want to die



when it comes to blood


i don’t know when to stop


i am never sated



i haven’t cleaned the hall floor


i’m not sure if it’s a warning to myself




a trophy.



i’m not sure of very much anymore.

i wish it could be blue again …..

Posted in death, depression, hope, mental health with tags , , , , , , , , , on 22/07/2011 by doyourememberthattime


i feel grey again


it’s not the most severe level of depression


but it’s the most dispiriting.



i see no point in anything.


i’d happily stay in bed




i’d miserably stay in bed.


i’m not speaking of a luxurious lie in


it’s a bleak,




unwillingness to tackle life.



i’m scared to leave the house.


someone pressing my door bell sent me into panic.


if i drop something


i cry.



there is no joy.


i dread the things i used to take pleasure in


food is tasteless


music makes me sob



i see no end


no relief.



washing my hair is an achievement


the sun outside an annoyance


i’d like someone to help


but there isn’t anything anyone can do.



my head is seeped in grey.




i don’t want to die


i just don’t want to live this life.

poem for allan

Posted in death, family, hope, love with tags , , , , on 18/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

Solid stone is just sand and water,
And a million years gone by.
Daily minutes are just special moments,
In the blink of an eye.
Precious souls
aren’t lost forever
with memories  & love
we can sustain each other.
Dark days are hard to suffer,
When  no one offers a why
Solid stone is just sand and water
And a million years gone by.

a change goin come…….

Posted in death, depression, family, hope, love, Uncategorized on 18/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

It’s been a hard year.

A very hard year.

I have barely made it through.

I’ve struggled with serious physical illness,

My ongoing depression,

Serious illness in family members,

Supporting my friend and her son through the end of an violent relationship,

My flat has been burgaled,

My brother lost his job due to the recession,

Those are just highlights (lowlights),


Last week something happened that has given me pause for thought.

My 28 yr old cousin died.


And for as yet unknown reasons.

It has been terribly sad

It has also prompted me to give thanks for all that i do have.



I hope allan is at peace.

I pray that his dad and brother will make it through this.

I am truely grateful for the opportunity each new day brings.

I sincerely hope that next year is more merciful than this.

I pledge to do everything within my power not to waste the gift i have been given.