i’ve lost control again…

i’m ill
oh, i know, i’m always ill
but it usually ebbs & flows.
i get some respite
i used to have days when i felt i like a normal person
not
anymore.

i’ve been sick every day for months
i’m exhausted
i ache, everywhere
i threw up
a lot.

my body has decided that i am no longer permitted to eat
my weight is plummeting
and
i have no control.

I HAVE NO CONTROL

as a result, i have shut down
because i cannot function without control
with every pound i lose
i feel like my actual self is diminshing
i am just fading away.

i rarely leave the house
i barely move at all
i can’t function
i can’t write
i can’t even cut with any efficacy.

i lack the strength or energy to assert dominance with a scapel
which means i’m lost.
i have to lie down to it
i don’t have any other options.

I’ve looked at life from both sides now….

I haven’t written in a while. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I seem able to write other more frivolous things, but any deep introspection eludes me.
I am volunteering again. A project I really believe in. it gives me a sense of purpose. I know I shouldn’t need to find worth outside of myself, but I do. I suspect if they were honest, most folk have a similar struggle for validity.

My body continues to malfunction in a variety of ways. Planning is redundant. Where I can go & what I do is ruled by my ability to manage symptoms. I am the queen of cancelling. I am so tired of disappointing others & myself.

My head is a mystery to me. There are days when I feel I am making huge leaps. Future aspirations bloom, hope is palpable. And then for no concrete reason I plummet. Days seeped in grey merge into one another. Life becomes a featureless landscape of withdrawal or a frenzy of anxiety.

Self-harm is never far from my thoughts. I am not actively hurting myself, but I still believe that is the true me. I am forever searching for a way to hurt enough & still function. I can’t begin to find the words to describe how it feels to daily fight your most ingrained instincts. In so many ways I am broken, I honestly don’t know if the damage is irrevocable.

everyday is silent & grey….

I had a gastroscopy yesterday. I’ve had one before and whilst it was unpleasant, it was fairly straight forward. Yesterday’s procedure did not go so well. For whatever reason my body didn’t tolerate the procedure well. It became a painful and frightening experience.
I’m ok.
They didn’t find anything life threatening, just further deterioration of my existing conditions. I’m sore and tired, but there is no lasting damage.
So, why do I feel so awful?
It feels pathetic to admit this
But
It’s because I’m alone.
It would be so nice to have someone to hold my hand through these times. I don’t want to complain because I know I am lucky in lots of ways. I have friends and family who love me. I am grateful for all the help they give me. The truth is there is only so much I can ask of them. They have partners, responsibilities, lives. Hence, most of the time, I am on my own with this.
And it is lonely.
Spending days trapped in my house (&my head) without any human contact. Being ill limits what I can do so much. Pain can override my ability to even read or watch a film. This leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Thoughts that can quickly spiral into dangerous places.
Hope easily slips away when you’re struggling to get out of bed. It feels like my physical health will never improve & that hammers away at any progress I make with my mental health. Reclaiming my life gets further away with each flare up & new diagnosis.
I suppose this post is mostly about me feeling sorry for myself. I’m scared that the life I want is simply not possible now. I’m not sure that anyone in my life really understands how I isolated I am. Nor do I know how to talk about these feelings.
I’m pouring it out here in an attempt to feel maybe even little less alone.

thankful so thankful…..

My body has been up to no good again.
This time it has decided it does not want to eat.
It feels like there is something stuck in my throat & the centre of my chest.
It’s very painful.
Swallowing is excruciating
And If I try to eat anything, I just throw it up immediately.

This has been going on since Friday.
Its sooo much fun.
I’ve actually experienced these symptoms before
But
They only lasted for a few hours.
This sustained onslaught is severely testing me.

I saw my gp & she was fairly certain that my hiatus hernia was the culprit
She ordered an urgent endoscopy
Changed my anti emetic
Then basically told me I had to just get on with it.

So, I struggled on until various factors landed me in A&E.
As usual that was a carnival of waiting
I had an ECG; it then took almost 5hrs to see the medical dr,
Who was entirely unhelpful.
She took bloods, ordered a chest x-ray
Paid very little attention to what I was saying,
Offered me the same meds that had already failed to have any effect.
Unfortunately this is a familiar theme of my hospital visits.
As soon as I mention my chronic conditions doctors appear to switch off.
The wait & see attitude is pervasive.

What followed was another agonising wait for a surgical consult.
By the time the surgical dr arrived I was no longer coping.
The pain was unbearable
The nausea uncontrollable.
I hadn’t slept for more than a few hours in days
I was so close to breaking point.

Thankfully in walked the most wonderful man.
He actually listened to my whole story,
My long history of acute & chronic conditions were taken on board
And
He proactively treated me.

I was given a strong anti-emetic injection,
Serious pain relief,
A drip to replace fluids & salts
Plus, doubled the dosage on my stomach medications.
I was admitted to a ward & finally got some real rest.

I can’t even explain how grateful I am that someone helped me
My physical health has a huge impact of my mental illness
Obviously being ill gets me down,
But
The entire hospital process raises my anxiety to intolerable levels
The waiting
The staring
The explaining
I feel helpless.
I often begin to wonder if it’s all worth it
Especially, when I come up against medical professionals who really don’t seem to want to help me.

So, I’m grateful.
That someone listened
That someone treated me with respect
That someone made me feel better

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you.