it has been a bleak weekend
there are reasons
and
no reasons.
predictably, when I couldn’t decipher my mind
I turned to my scalpel for answers
you know the rest.
perhaps the break made me clumsy
or
thirsty
in any case I made a tad too much mess.
with no option, but A&E to stem the blood flow
i wrapped my arm in a towel
and
mustered as much calm sanity as I could
my local hospital has undergone quite the transformation
a swanky new uber hospital has sprung up in place of its crumbling victorian predecessor
within its walls the attitudes were more in tune with its origins.
The dr I saw was pleasant, he didn’t say much, but everything he was accompanied by a smile
this disarmed me a little
i wasn’t prepared for him to be a dick
he worked at speed that belied any concern for me
his method could only be described as slap dash
he did administer local anaesthetic
just not enough to actually prevent pain
a small part in the centre of each cut was numbed
the rest, I felt.
he closed the largest (10cm) gash with four stitches
I had cut clear through the fatty tissues
causing the resulting wound to gape alarmingly
obviously, I am not a professional
but
i have had less serious injuries closed with both internal & external sutures.
this time the dr just yanked together the edges (with some difficulty)
unsurprisingly the stitches had burst 10hrs later.
i didn’t challenge him
i just sat there
apart from wincing when the initial stitch went in
i didn’t say anything at all
i sat there and let him stitch two deep cuts without proper anaesthetic or care.
at the time i just wanted to get home.
later it occurred to me that the way I was treated probably wasn’t ok
i wondered why I didn’t request more local
or
enquire about his technique.
the only answer I could summon was that I didn’t think I had the right to ask for better
for all my campaigning,
in that moment my usually vocal defence of my rights was silenced.
it felt that pain relief for me, was a luxury rather than a necessity
the shame is so ingrained.
the voice in my head that tells me I deserve the pain is strong
the part of me that shrieks that I’m worthless
renders me compliant
content to take whatever semblance of treatment is given.
afterwards, when these thoughts started to emerge
i even questioned my right to question
every day, i fight the thought that I’m nothing
i battle to recreate a life
i push myself to do terrifying things
partly to make me feel like a person who is capable of succeeding
and
partly to stop this shit happening to other people.
but
the truth is
no matter how many people I present to
or
how much they pay me
regardless of how better everyone thinks i am
or
how many days pass without cutting
it still only takes one bad day
and
one cruel person
for it all to come crumbling down.