we’ll all be lonely tonight & lonely tomorrow…

crying in the middle of the night is back.

dark rooms

dark thoughts

indiscernible tears.
i feel hollow

&

fractured.
multiple precarious cracks 

all threatening to give way

and i’m not gentle 

i can’t be trusted with my crumbling self 

i’m likely to stick my fingers in the gaps 

and

pull my roof down.
the safest option is 2am tears. 

just lie very still in a dark room

and

cry 

there is no such thing in life as normal…

i don’t feel good today
everything is too close to the surface
i am fragile
and
raw

I think, perhaps, I’m not really here
nothing feels real
except
the
fear

that’s too real
too deep
too much

I’d run away if I had anywhere to run to
but
It’s me I want to hide from

I want to climb out of my skin
and
my head

i need a little holiday from my life
an opportunity to be calm.
no guilt or pain.
Oh, what I’d give to just be normal

all those years that my body worked exactly as it should
and
my head behaved itself
and
i didn’t know i should be reveling in it
i didn’t know how fucking remarkable that was

i wish i could remember how that felt.