we’ll all be lonely tonight & lonely tomorrow…

crying in the middle of the night is back.

dark rooms

dark thoughts

indiscernible tears.
i feel hollow

&

fractured.
multiple precarious cracks 

all threatening to give way

and i’m not gentle 

i can’t be trusted with my crumbling self 

i’m likely to stick my fingers in the gaps 

and

pull my roof down.
the safest option is 2am tears. 

just lie very still in a dark room

and

cry 

the blood jet is poetry and there is no stopping it…..

i’ve been up all night
thinking
listening to sad songs
reading brutal tales
i suppose it was only a matter of the time
in the end, all it took was
two words

a couplet that lit up the relevant part of my brain
one evocative phrase that kicked started this whole sordid ritual
words that gave me license to bleed

i needed to bleed
i had to feel the very pulse of life
the pure, vibrant strength
of my will.

if only for right now,
i have reclaimed the power that resides at my core
i am once again the most authentic version of myself.

as my blood washes over me
i turn up the volume so the melancholy music can fill my head
and
my tears finally flow.

all you can do is keep breathing….

i’m trying.
i’m trying so very hard.
i’m trying to start anew
i’m trying not to be sad
and
broken
and
difficult

i want so much to be someone else
everyone thinks i am doing so well
i can act the part
i put on a great show
but
i’m still sitting here unable to stop crying at 4 in the morning.

i feel empty

i’m trying to build something new
but
i don’t think i have enough pieces.

every single thing i can’t live without
goes

i want my baby
and
my niece
and
the person i was before i was irrevocably damaged.

i want to be happy
to be someone that a person could love without being hurt.

i wish i wasn’t this dark hole
but
i can’t shine a light bright enough.

i’m trying so hard
but
it’s never enough.