Another year over, a new one just begun….

I burnt the suicide notes I had prepared. 

Things are not great. 

Paranoia is at an all time high

But

I am going to do 2016.

That’s a start. 

Rolling in the deep….

i have bad patches. 

days when life is dark 

days when I’m dripping in sadness 

sometimes the days are weeks 

or

months

but

there is light. glimpses of life.

i struggle. it’s exhausting. I hate it.

there is purpose, though.

i do fight it.
i have a very definite tipping point.

my serious relapses follow an identical pattern 

insomnia cloaks me in a miserable fog

panic stacks come knocking 

guilt, shame, blood 

until i’m paralysed.

every minute of every day becomes intolerable 

the outside world is terrifying 

opening my eyes each morning is overwhelming

i attempt to soothe myself with scalpels 

and

opiates

but

nothing works, nothing lasts. 
i’ve crossed that threshold 

i’m in it.

A letter from my past…

I was looking through some old notebooks & I stumbled upon this letter. It surprised me how hard it was to read it. I am grateful that I am no longer in that awful place, but I am terrified of going back there.

For the important ones,

I’m gone. If my death was avoidable, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. I apologise for anything you feel I’ve robbed you of & the hurt I’ve caused. I do love you all, I’m do very sorry that wasn’t enough.

My days are often bright, but I never feel completely safe. My dark cloud can return at any time, always threatening to bully me into submission. I’m writing this because I’m almost certain I won’t survive another storm.

There’s nothing any of you could have done. I’m broken. The damage is irreversible. I can’t get back. Any peace I’ve found is not sustainable. I’m tired & I’m sad. I know I may soon lie down.

I’ll miss you all, take care of each other.