Another year over, a new one just begun….

I burnt the suicide notes I had prepared. 

Things are not great. 

Paranoia is at an all time high

But

I am going to do 2016.

That’s a start. 

Rolling in the deep….

i have bad patches. 

days when life is dark 

days when I’m dripping in sadness 

sometimes the days are weeks 

or

months

but

there is light. glimpses of life.

i struggle. it’s exhausting. I hate it.

there is purpose, though.

i do fight it.
i have a very definite tipping point.

my serious relapses follow an identical pattern 

insomnia cloaks me in a miserable fog

panic stacks come knocking 

guilt, shame, blood 

until i’m paralysed.

every minute of every day becomes intolerable 

the outside world is terrifying 

opening my eyes each morning is overwhelming

i attempt to soothe myself with scalpels 

and

opiates

but

nothing works, nothing lasts. 
i’ve crossed that threshold 

i’m in it.

sometimes, i hear my voice & its been, silent all these years…

i finally saw my new psychiatrist last week

my last dr left & being assigned a new one taken some months

i did not have a good relationship with my previous psychiatrist

in fact

she terrified me

 

she was a good example of what mental health professionals

should

not be

 

she always appeared to be very judgemental

her approach was

cold

harsh

blameful

i always left appointments feeling

worthless

she basically shored up my

self

loathing.

the most troublesome aspect of our therapeutic relationship

was

that she didn’t actually want to treat me

she appeared to have given up

i enquired

more than once

about a change of medication

 some chemical help with my

anxiety

&

insomnia

her response was always the same

i had exhausted my options

i was now left with

lithium

or the status quo

she dismissed my fears about lithium

and

declared

that she could not help me

if i would not accept her advice

 

and

so

i was stuck

she didn’t help

she just scared me

but

i was too frightened to ask for someone else

i didn’t feel i had the right

to question her

 

for once the fates were on my side

she left

giving me the opportunity

to access real help

 

my new psychiatrist

is a marvel

i was so frightened to see him

and

incredibly relieved

after our first meeting

 

he listened to me

he didn’t dismiss how i felt

he spoke to me like an intelligent person

not

some pathetic loon

was asked pertintent questions

and

was interested in my replies

he displayed

empathy

and kindness

 

this dr have me options

I HAVE OPTIONS

 

he explained why he was offered certain drugs

what they could do for me

what the side effects might be

he cared what i thought

he accepted my reservations

and

allowed me the final decision

after much discussion

we decided on a new drug regime

one that i actually believe might help me

 

for the first time

someone is actively treating

insomnia

and

anxiety

as well as depression

 

everyone should have access to this kind of help

so often

the mentally ill

are

dismissed

and

short changed

 

this new dr

has given me hope

for that

i will be forever grateful.

maybe you’ll run ….

withdrawal has taken approximately

 32 hours

i’m doing that crazy girl thing

of

going over everything he said

and

searching for significance

the bit that is really sticking

is

“i wish i had met you before my wife”

what does that mean ?

(don’t worry, he’s divorced)

i didn’t think that i still mattered

to him

it was easier to move on when i

thought

he didn’t want me

there was no going back

nothing to cling to

now, i know

i can still make him do that smile

and

fling his arm across his head in bed

i want to call him

and

ask him what that meant

but

that’s just insane

right ?

is he thinking about me

right now ?

does he wish i with him

is he fighting the urge to call me

how do i stop

when it’s so good ?

beautiful, beautiful,beautiful boy …..

dear baby,

yesterday would have been your 11th birthday. i can hardly believe that is possible. i find myself wondering what we would be doing now. you would be starting secondary school. i can’t help think about which school that would be. i wonder if you would look like me. would you love your weird hippie mum or would i be an embarrassment. i wouldn’t mind either way. i’ll always love you. those are just a tiny sample of the millions of questions i have about you. i’m always imagining the life we didn’t get to live together. all the landmarks we’ve never reached and the everyday life we missed. 

i’m trying to learn how to remember you and still live this life that i have. i am trying to grieve for you. to feel sad, but not overwhelmed by your loss. i need you to know that i won’t ever leave you behind. you will always be part of my life. i will always be your mum. i hope i can find a way to cherish your short life and be at peace with you being gone. i want to live a better life. i’d like to be someone you can be proud of.

love always

mum

i wish it could be blue again …..

 

i feel grey again

 

it’s not the most severe level of depression

 

but it’s the most dispiriting.

 

 

i see no point in anything.

 

i’d happily stay in bed

 

no

 

i’d miserably stay in bed.

 

i’m not speaking of a luxurious lie in

 

it’s a bleak,

 

gloomy

 

unwillingness to tackle life.

 

 

i’m scared to leave the house.

 

someone pressing my door bell sent me into panic.

 

if i drop something

 

i cry.

 

 

there is no joy.

 

i dread the things i used to take pleasure in

 

food is tasteless

 

music makes me sob

 

 

i see no end

 

no relief.

 

 

washing my hair is an achievement

 

the sun outside an annoyance

 

i’d like someone to help

 

but there isn’t anything anyone can do.

 

 

my head is seeped in grey.

 

　

 

i don’t want to die

 

i just don’t want to live this life.

golden slumbers fill your eyes….

 

lying in bed beside her tired little body,

 

her wee hand grasping the locket around my neck

 

i feel calm.

 

looking into her eyes as she watches me sing

 

her beautiful eyes heavy with sleep,

 

slowly closing

 

drifting off to sleep to the sound of the beatles,

 

i am happy.

 

i know she feels safe

 

i have a purpose.

 

to love her

 

and

 

i do

 

i feel it.

 

it’s an actual physical warmth.

 

the emptiness is gone

 

she fills me up.

 

the lyrics i sing are true,

 

smiles do awake her when she rises,

 

she needn’t worry

 

or cry

 

she is surrounded with love.

 

i am proud of her attachment to me

 

the knowledge that i can comfort her

 

gives me hope.

 

knowing that i can soothe her

 

is my ultimate achievement.

 

this wonderful little person

 

loves me

relies on me

 

wants me.

 

there is no greater feeling.

 

i could wrap my whole life around her

 

and

 

be

 

happy.

closer…let me whisper in your ear…

i haven’t written for weeks.

the thought of writing about what i am feeling is overwhelming and sickeningly familiar.

there is always another wave waiting to engulf me

i feel like i am in danger being dragged out to sea.

an important friendship is over.

i had hoped something could be salvaged from the wreckage,

but my optimism proved to be in vain.

i know that i have to accept this

i must set the negative emotions adrift

&

hold tight to the lessons i have learned

it’s going to take time.

i’m not confident i have the energy to tread water for very long.

clichéd thought it is, my woes have come in a multiple of 3.

clearly,

one problem would be just too easy to negotiate.

which

once again,

leaves me in very troubled water.

health is not good.

my latest hospitalisation has churned up new issues.

i am preparing for another round of unpleasant tests & procedures.

some which i have already weathered

and

am under no illusions about just how repellant they are.

my final issue is unresolved

heartbreaking

entirely

out of my control.

i can’t even bear to consider the possible outcome.

i am floundering.

again.

in the words of far superior writer ,

i’m…

not waving,but drowning.

therapy is speedie’s brand new drug…….

i see a psychologist and am undergoing cbt therapy. i have being in treatment for a significant amount of time and thus far my progress seems somewhat stunted.

 i have never really discussed much of my therapy on this blog.

 i don’t know why that is. i certainly find it useful.

i do try to put the things i learn there in to practice. i have trouble getting results.

 the theory is very clear.

 i find it difficult to impact on my actual feelings.

 intellectually, i embrace it

 emotionally, i am confounded.

 my psychologist would like to start working on my relationships more closely. we have obviously discussed the important people in my life before, but he thinks the impact of these relationship could withstand some closer inspection.

i think he is most probably correct.

i have a huge need to compensate the people i love for the trouble i cause them.

 i carry a huge guilt.

 it is not easy to have someone like me in your life.

 i am very aware of tha.

t i feel that ultimately, my problems are mostly my own fault

, i made bad decisions, i allowed people to treat me badly & i failed to deal with the results well.

 i know that i am to blame. i must therefore clean up my own mess.

 inconvenience, pain, worry, embarrassment of others is not acceptable.

 i have spent a lot of time trying to challenge these feelings, but i have never been convinced that i am wrong.

 i am at fault.

that is fact.

of course these beliefs effect how i behave towards family & friends.

 i am a burden and i am duty bound to lighten the load of knowing me

 or make up for that weight.

 as a result i often have difficulty saying no.

 i feel responsible for the people i live being safe & happy.

 i have an urge to make everything better for everyone.

 this can leave me open to be taking advantage of.

add to this my need to mother &  you have a potent mixture.

these are just some of the things i am going to be working on in therapy. i’m hoping for a breakthrough.

but we’re never gonna survive,unless we get a little crazy…….

i used to have this passion burning inside me.

i believed in myself,

i knew i could achieve anything if i worked hard enough.

i wanted to change the world.

no,

more than that,

i believed i was changing the world,

that i was playing a small part in positive alteration.

i wrote

i danced

i worked

i loved

i studied

i sang

i marched

i lived.

i relished a challenge.

i was someone who had the answers.

when i thought of the future, i felt excitement bubble inside me.

i couldn’t wait to jump in.

i was so very sure that life would be good

and kind

and happy.

was that just naivety ?

i still want to change the world.

it just strikes me as a bit of stretch these days

i have yet to instigate meaningful changes in my own life,

the entire world seems a little out of reach.

i don’t understand where that girl went.

she was so robust.

i’d never have guessed that she’d fold.

i suppose she had to protect herself.

it seemed like the wisest thing at the time

anything in the name of self-preservation.

she had to shed some hope

and

build some barriers to survive.

now that she’s gone

i wonder if it was worth it.

the truth is,

i would give anything to be her again.

the problem is,

i don’t know if she exists anymore.