Vomity conversations with the man…

Me – I’m in bed already. So tired. Come cuddle me.

The man – Oh you want a ring and a cuddle.

Me – I feel pitiful

The man – sad face

Me – cuddle would be better

The man – cuddle also

all you need is me…

i have been cutting sporadically over the last few weeks.
it hasn’t felt like a complete return to self-harm as it’s been contained.
i had expected to feel guilt
perhaps a sense of failing
but
it has been gentler than that
it feels like returning from an arduous journey & climbing into my own bed.

this past weekend has been different.
my cutting has become more insistent
i’ve begun to make demands of myself
at some point in the early hours,
the notion of being in control again took hold.

as I marvelled in the restorative wonder of hot blood
i realised i could seize back power
i could watch my haemoglobin levels plummet
all the heavy, guilt ridden blood could be let
opening garnet stripes
as I reclaim my body

these thoughts were exhilarating
and
with them came plans
schedules of pain
strict timetables to be adhered to
rules that if obeyed would bring comfort.
finally, I can breathe

i want to feel every slice of my flesh
and
monitor every drop of spilt blood
i need the hurt
my body must be a battle ground
if my mind is to stand any chance of a lasting peace.

i’m in charge again.
i can’t tell you how much I have longed to sink into this well-worn mattress.

this is me.
this works.

closer…let me whisper in your ear…

i know you aren’t good at this kind of thing

i  know you don’t want to be that person,but

you could ask if i am ok.

i am trying to be brave.

i don’t want anyone to worry,

but

the truth is i’m scared.

i want you to soothe me a little.

don’t try to find the silver lining

or make a joke.

please just let me know you care.

i need a hand to hold

and

it’s

yours

i

want

to hold.

closer…let me whisper in your ear…

i haven’t written for weeks.

the thought of writing about what i am feeling is overwhelming and sickeningly familiar.

there is always another wave waiting to engulf me

i feel like i am in danger being dragged out to sea.

an important friendship is over.

i had hoped something could be salvaged from the wreckage,

but my optimism proved to be in vain.

i know that i have to accept this

i must set the negative emotions adrift

&

hold tight to the lessons i have learned

it’s going to take time.

i’m not confident i have the energy to tread water for very long.

clichéd thought it is, my woes have come in a multiple of 3.

clearly,

one problem would be just too easy to negotiate.

which

once again,

leaves me in very troubled water.

health is not good.

my latest hospitalisation has churned up new issues.

i am preparing for another round of unpleasant tests & procedures.

some which i have already weathered

and

am under no illusions about just how repellant they are.

my final issue is unresolved

heartbreaking

entirely

out of my control.

i can’t even bear to consider the possible outcome.

i am floundering.

again.

in the words of far superior writer ,

i’m…

not waving,but drowning.