stop giving me choices…

i think i may well have written this or something like it about a dozen times in the last 8 or 9 years.

that may not seem excessive, but when i add to that the fact that it’s running aound in my head pretty much every day, it gets repetitive.

almost everyone i know has found their one, with relative ease it seems. they’re all settled & happy, which is wonderful.
but i’m that desperate woman in her 30’s who’s womb is a time bomb.

and i get it, i’m not the most captivating prospect. i’m difficult. i’m too old & dated too many fuckwits to put up with even the tiniest hint of bullshit.

i’m mental. really, properly mental. if you’re in any doubt scroll back through a few posts.

i’m covered in scars. literally covered in them. that’s not a hot look in anyone’s book. actually, i don’t think that’s really the issue with the scars. it’s what they signify rather than how they look. they’re scary. i get that.

this isn’t a oh no, i’m a pariah, no one loves me thing. i know i’m not repulsive. i can be pretty damn sexy & on my better days i’m a cool person.

that may be part of the problem. i know who i am
and i undeniably know what i want.

try as might, almost, just isn’t good enough.

i have gone out with a fair few lovely men. smart, attractive, funny blah, blah, blah
but
they don’t set my world alight
to be as cliched as fuck, there are no butterflies.

i’m lucky. i’m grateful.
i have extraordinary friends.
a close, loving family.
a bloody roof over my head.
i have a lot.
i know.

i want more.

folk are so supportive. they tell me how fantastic i am. how much i deserve my happy ending. i’m sure you’ve all heard this stuff at some point.
it’s never too late
there’s someone for everyone
you just haven’t met the right person.

of course the glaringly obvious point is, i have.
i have met him.
i’ve known him
&
laughed with him
&
fucked him
&
loved him
for years. for forever, really.

i know he’s the right man.
he’s an integral part of my life. a person who gets me through some really shitty times in his own undemonstrative way.
the only man i could realistically see myself being happy with
the only man who ever made me feel i was in movie love.
the only man who didn’t tire of my weirdness
and
matches me pound for pound with his own variety of odd.

my friend. my lover.
the man i can not have.

there’s that biological clock
&
it’s deafening.
the desire for a child is all encompassing
time is running out
i’ve spent too long being crazy
&
dating the wrong men
&
trying to be brave enough to try again.

there aren’t any years left to waste.
i have to get my life in order
and
do it.

that probably means i’ll be having a baby on my own
i suppose that should be terrifying
it isn’t
i’m not scared in the slighest
raising a child feels inherently right
i can not comprehend of a life in which i am not a mother

he can’t conceive a future in which he is father.

i can’t have both
we talk abstractly about what we’re giving up
if we’d met earlier
if we both weren’t so damaged
how happy we could be together.
if. if. if.
those conversations occupy my mind
sometimes.
they circle my thoughts before i fall asleep.
but
that circle isn’t never ending
i can not have both
that’s were this love story ends.

i’ve made my decision.
i believe it’s the right one
it’s not simple
or
painless
it is unequivocal.

i think i have always held romanitc notions of fate.
it never occured to me that destiny would be so cruel.
that’s life.
you roll your dice
you make your choices.

Vomity conversations with the man…

Me – I’m in bed already. So tired. Come cuddle me.

The man – Oh you want a ring and a cuddle.

Me – I feel pitiful

The man – sad face

Me – cuddle would be better

The man – cuddle also

a tale of two ex’s, part 2

my relationhsip with alan came to an abrupt end

since calling it off

there had been a number of drunk texts

so, when he asked to get together

i thought it would be good to give us a nicer ending.

 

i wasn’t in love with alan

i was sad when it ended.

 

i think seeing the man had clarified things for me

i was never going to feel that way about alan

and

it was probably best to stop when we did.

 

so, we met for dinner & drinks.

 

he arrived unshaved & not looking his best

i knew i didn’t want to be with him anymore.

it was strange

three weeks ago, i was happily having a relationship with him

and

now

i didn’t feel very much at all.

 

we talked about us

and

what we wanted

and

a little bit of everything else

it felt good that we could be friends.

 

then we got very drunk

 

when he invited me back to his

my baser instincts kicked in.

i hadn’t had sex since we broke up

i was horny

and

somehow

sleeping with him

purely for the sex

made me feel in control.

 

i wasn’t pining for him

i didn’t want to keep him

i can close the door on him now

without any sadness

 

oh,

&

the sex was amazing.

　

　

　

conversations with the man

me – do you make everyone work this hard

the man – no. just you

me – why so hard on me ?

the man – you are special

me – in what way special ?

the man – like a special person

 

i cried

and

then i analysed every syllable

 

i don’t fully understand why it is so difficult for him to express his feelings

nor

do i understand why i have been involved with someone who starves me of this validation

for so long

i do need to hear that i am valued

loved

needed

wanted

something !

i need to hear whatever it is he feels about me.

 

and,yet i

” hang in there”

a phrase he uses often

so entice me to wait for any manner of things

 

now,

let me assure you

i am not a patient person

but

for him i wait

 

i have a ten minute rule

never let a man keep you waiting longer

it flew out the window the second i met the man

i’d cool my heels all week for him

 

i am pathetically grateful

for these morsels

of affection.

i crave evidence of my significance

 

i am so frustrated

with

both

of us

why can’t we just put an end to this ?

　

　

　

a study in scarlett

it’s been a bad day

i’ve been attempting to analyse why

what tips me over into my worst days ?

 

 

i’ve been really nauseous

never helps

stomach has been cramping

chest is very heavy

and my back has been aching

so, i don’t feel good

 

i had some unpleasant words with my sister on sunday

they’re lingering

i didn’t hear from the man

at all

yesterday

that’s festering

money (lack of) is a concern

the huge gnawing kind.

i suppose those things might upset anyone.

 

i fainted

nothing new

but

i really hurt myself

hip & shoulder are now extremely painful

i ruined my glasses

they’re all buckled & scratched

plus

when i came round

i was outside my front door

and

i still have no idea what i was doing there

the confusion

frightens me a little

oh

and i can’t afford new glasses

again, reasons to be out of sorts.

 

i still haven’t heard from the man properly

a few frustrating texts

a bundle of tears

and

i’m angry with myself for getting into this situation.

which

sets me on a negative thought path

i make poor decisions

i am to blame for my place in life

if i was

stronger

smarter

fitter

more selfless

less lazy

i could get on top of this mess

 

but

i’m not

and

i don’t

 

instead, i begin to think i should self harm

i haven’t cut in 6 days

which

is probably part of why i feel so low

i promise myself it doesn’t have to be big

just a little release

a little blood

 

you know the score

you know where that leads

 

i do too,

but it doesn’t stop me.

maybe you’ll run ….

withdrawal has taken approximately

 32 hours

i’m doing that crazy girl thing

of

going over everything he said

and

searching for significance

the bit that is really sticking

is

“i wish i had met you before my wife”

what does that mean ?

(don’t worry, he’s divorced)

i didn’t think that i still mattered

to him

it was easier to move on when i

thought

he didn’t want me

there was no going back

nothing to cling to

now, i know

i can still make him do that smile

and

fling his arm across his head in bed

i want to call him

and

ask him what that meant

but

that’s just insane

right ?

is he thinking about me

right now ?

does he wish i with him

is he fighting the urge to call me

how do i stop

when it’s so good ?

when your heart’s on fire, smoke gets in your eyes….

the bloom is off the rose.

 i am becoming less interesting

 desirable

 special.

 you no longer need me.

 i wish i had learnt that trick first

 

 perhaps i could bear not having you

 if i didn’t have to face your growing indifference

 

 i suspect that your face no longer brightens

 when

 i send your happy friday.

 if you dreamt (i still don’t believe you don’t),

 it wouldn’t be about me.

you don’t hope to find me standing outside sainsbury’s

 the twinge when you order a cocktail is gone

 

 i wish i could follow your lead 

 stop searching for your face

 and

 buying  little things i know you’ll like

 

 i want to cease wanting you quite so much

 i really need it to stop hurting

 i’d love to keep you

but

 i don’t think you’re the type to be kept.

i always knew, i’d lose you….

 

i have accepted that  i can’t have him

 

my head knows that it would never work

 

but

 

my heart wants him

 

it wants to tell him every time i see a hedgehog

 

or hear something ridiculous.

 

longs to have dinner with him

 

& shoosh his complaints that i eat like a mouse.

 

aches for frenzied drunken sex

 

followed by random chat on his impossibly large sofa.

 

it wants these

 

&

 

a million other things.

 

i can’t forget the angry face he makes when he cums

 

or the way he carries his  man bag.

 

i don’t want to erase the memories that

 

still

 

make my stomach flip.

 

the stupid part

 

is

 

i always knew he’d break my heart.

 

even when i was deliriously happy,

 

i was aware that it could never last.

 

i met a man who captivated me enough to break down all my barriers

 

i knew from the very beginning that i couldn’t keep him,

 

but

 

i wanted to

 

oh,

 

how i wanted to.

never mind how i find someone like you….

having finally accepted that i cannot have the man,

i am dating.

i find it very confusing.

i compare everyone to him

&

no one measures up.

there is nothing really wrong with the men i have rejected.

there is just no spark,

no butterflies,

no zing.

i want to fast forward this trying people on for size stage.

i want to just sip someone on & be comfortable.

i was always comfortable with him.

we never had awkward moments

never ran out of things to say.

i never once looked at him & questioned my desire.

i’ll keep looking.

the man i want to marry is out there.

i just have to track him down.

wish me luck.